Nine Days in LA

Day One: The Walk of Fame

2008-03-30T21:45:00.000-07:00

Hey Sam,

After arriving at my Hostel in Hollywood, I decide to cruise along Hollywood Boulevard to see the Walk of Fame.
The boulevard is mostly full of T-shirt stores, Scientology buildings, and tattoo parlors.
I walk past this old guy in a red head band and a muscle shirt he gives me a dollar.
He says if I can do more push ups than him, then he'll give me another dollar.
I'm thinking, "What kind of terrible con man is this?"
He barely gets into push-up position before completely collapsing.
He says, "How many was that? Three and a half?"
I do four push-ups and he gives me another dollar and challenges me to a jumping jack competition.
After I beat him in Jumping Jacks he tries to sell me his work-out tape for $200.
I tell him I don't have a VHS machine and he is astonished.
He says, "I watch all my porn on VHS."

After about ten more minutes of joking, athletic competitions and two more free dollars, he tells me that I'm being filmed.
Three camera man come up and shake our hands and tell us how great we were.
Everyone's really friendly here at the Hostel.
I share a dorm room with three Danish girls.
There's an open mic night tonight with cheap drinks.
I think I'll go to Muscle Beach tomorrow.

Day Two: Straight Outta Compton

2008-03-30T21:36:00.000-07:00

Hey Nath,

Today I took a bus heading South from Hollywood.
I was traveling to Compton: the suburb of Los Angeles most notorious for poverty and crime.
My mission was to get the down low on gang activity.
After one hour, I got off the bus to catch another heading east.
While waiting, I chatted with the lady on the corner of the street.
She was getting $10/hr to wear a statue of liberty costume and hold a sign reading, "It's Tax Time."
I told her I wanted to know about gangs in Compton and she said I was crazy, but wished me luck all the same.
I asked if I could take her picture, and she said, "Let's get one of us together."
There was a man standing a few yards away.
She called out, "My nigga! Take our picture!"

I spotted a T-shirt shop just before entering Compton.
I got off the bus to begin my second mission: buy some cool clothes.
It's good to have two missions going on at once.
If the danger of one mission is stressing you out, you can take a break from it and work on the other.
If you fail at one, you can pretend it never existed and call yourself a success for accomplishing the other.

I tried on a t-shirt with a big portrait of Eazy-E, but it didn't look very good.
I was the only one in the store so it was easy to start a conversation with the clerk.
He'd never been in a gang.
He used to buy and sell old cars.
He said that if I was looking for gangsters, I should try the law courts, because that's where the cops drop them off.
I thanked him and bought some sunglasses.
He said if I was ever back in town to stop by, and also,
"Stay on the left side of this street, there's some knuckleheads down there on the right."

Even though I stayed on the left, I met some knuckleheads right by the "Entering Compton" sign.
One had his hand stuck to his crotch and the other had an afro in the shape of Mickey mouse ears.
Luckily, they didn't seem to notice me.
But when I got near the law courts, I didn't see any gangsters.
I was on the lookout for blue or red bandannas hanging out of pockets or tied backwards around a head.
Blue is the colour of Crips
Red is colour of Bloods.
Crips and Bloods are rivals, and the two main gangs in Los Angeles.
I probably could have looked harder or asked around,
but seeing real live knuckleheads made me anxious enough that I decided to go shopping.

I bought a pair of Tupac sneakers and a striped shirt at a discount store.
Wearing my new Tupac shoes I went to get some Chinese food.
A young black man saw my shoes and slowly shook his head at me.
I sadly ate my green beans and chicken wondering how I'd managed to fail both missions.
But as I left the restaurant a lady asked me if I had registered to vote.
I said I was Canadian and asked her who she was voting for.
She said Hillary.
I asked her why.
She said because she's a woman.
I told her about my mission.
She said, "Hey everybody, this guy here is a reporter from Canada doing a story on Bloods and Crips."
Then she asked me again if I had registered to vote.

Somehow the lady's spirit re-energized me.
I headed back to the Law Courts searching for gangsters.
I approached a group of four young blacks sitting by a bench.
They looked at me suspiciously.
I said, "Hi, my name's Alex. I'm from Canada."
One guy got up and walked away with the two females.
I took his seat.
"I'm doing a story on Bloods and Crips," I said to the remaining guy.
He said, "Are you the feds?"
I said, "What?"
He stood up.
"ARE YOU THE FEDS?"
"No, I'm a tourist."
They all walked away from me.
I overheard one of the females say, "If he follows us..." her voice trailed off.

Part of me was disappointed for having such a weak interview.
But part of me was amused by scaring away four gangsters.
Anyway, it was getting late, so I headed for the train back to Hollywood.
As I took my time I was approached at an intersection by a young black man.
He asked if I was looking for something.

His name was Cohen and he became a Crip when he was fourteen.
CRIP used to be political: California Revolutionaries In Progress.
Now it was just a group to be a part of.
It used to mean something to be a Crip.
You'd probably been to prison a couple of times.
You were supporting a wife and kids.
Now it was just a bunch of fatherless kids how like to walk around with their dicks in their hands.
Bloods and Crips aren't that active these days.
Latino gangs are taking over Los Angeles.
After a while of chatting, Cohen said he had to get going.
He got up off the curb we'd been sitting on, and asked me, "Where'd you cop those shoes?"

Day Three: Venice Beach

2008-03-30T21:30:00.000-07:00

Hi Mum,

How's your vacation going?
Los Angeles is great.
So is my hostel.

Yesterday I went to the Beach.
I went with a young Austrian Judge on holiday and an English girl wrapping up seven months of world travels.
We took a long pleasant walk from Santa Monica to Venice Beach.
Venice is a real human zoo.
It has lots of great street performers and crazy characters.
I think I might go back on Sunday to see the ring swingers, but I also want to go to a couple of churches on Sunday.
So I'll have to see.

Yesterday I accomplished my mission of getting a photo posing with a body builder.
I don't know what my mission is today.
I guess get a photo with someone famous.
I'm going on a walking tour of Beverly Hills with my Danish roommates.
They're young and quiet and clean and go to bed at a reasonable hour: perfect roommates.
The people staying at the hostel are great.
Each day you can choose between the freedom of traveling alone and the ease of traveling with people who will read maps and bus schedules for you.

Day Four: Beverly Hills

2008-03-30T20:54:00.000-07:00

Hey Vaughn,

So what's this about you going to film school in Mexico?
Are you for real?
You should do it, man.
I'm still going to be a rapper.
We just gotta work at it.

Today I took a walking tour through Beverly Hills.
My mission was to get my photo with someone famous.
The tour was peaceful and good exercise, but a little boring.
"This house is worth 30 million dollars,"
"This one has a bowling alley inside,"
"This one has a zoo with monkeys."
You couldn't see many of the houses because they were behind gates or trees.
This is me and my Swedish friend in front of the Playboy Mansion.
They wouldn’t let us in.

I almost quit the tour to play golf when I found out they have a public pitch and putt that costs $2.
The tour group was chatting in a circle when I hear somebody yell, "Four!"
I got hit in the calf with a golf ball by a five year old.
I rolled on the ground making a big deal out of it, but his Dad wouldn't give me any money.

On our way into another exclusive neighbourhood I got talking to Linda Welton.
She sits at the corner and sells maps detailing where famous movie stars live.
Back in 1939 her grandfather was the first to sell star maps.
Then in 1978 Linda's mother went all the way to the Supreme Court to win her right to continue selling star maps.
Linda continues the legacy.
A car pulled up and Linda name dropped about fifty A-list stars and where they live in about two minutes.
She sells the maps for twenty bucks.
According to my tour guide they're very inaccurate.

We made it to Rodeo Drive and my real mission began: get my photo taken with a star.
I hit all the big name stores.
They're beautiful stores; they're like art galleries.
I tried on a $500 Gucci handbag and some $1700 Dolce and Gabbanna shorts.

Finally I saw a group of paparazzi hanging out in the alley behind Prada.
Victoria Beckham (Posh Spice) was inside doing some shopping with her kid.
There was about twenty pap's with big cameras or video cameras
and about forty regular people (mostly young women) with small cameras.
Everyone was excited, but we had to wait a long time.
The pap's all knew each other and they were pretty funny.
They made fun of a few girls whose Dad had threatened, "We have to go right now or my car's gonna get towed. Either come now or take a taxi!"

The back door of Prada opened and everybody lifted their cameras but it was just some lady.
A pap said, "Victoria, you look different. Did you get a face job?"
There was a pap with a pompodorio, a pap with a beer belly, a transvestite pap in a one-piece purple suit and a pap with the same "It's all good" T-shirt my mum wears.

I asked the pap with the same shirt as my mum how she became a pap and she said, “I took a photo of a famous person and realized that that’s what I needed to do.”
Finally Posh Spice came out and everybody went crazy.
I got a blurry shot of her sitting in her back seat doing nothing.

When her car pulled out everybody ran after it.
After she was gone it was even more exciting. As some random guy on the sidewalk put it: "It was like a party came out of nowhere."
One pap re-enacted how he'd fired off shots while being pushed aside by a body guard.
One pap lamented how his camera had not been in multi-shot mode.

In the video below a girl takes a shot of the LCD displays of a Pap's camera,
and an agent makes an offer to buy a photo from another girl.

Generally, it was fucking nuts.
One pap commented on my blurry photo, "It's not bad."

Day Five: Johnny Elfwing

2008-03-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

Hi Scout,

I've been visiting different parts of Los Angeles the last three days.
Always taking buses, looking at maps... it's exhausting.
So today in I took it easy.
I went for a run in the park and then I lay on my bed and read.

I have a new roommate from Sweden.
He's a drummer and he's just moved to LA to attend music school.
It's his first time in North America and he acts like a little kid.
He reads signs out loud and says funny stuff to practice his English.
It's weird how some people you just feel really comfortable with.
We've already discovered a common love for the metric system.
Here's Johnny with his "arenpropper" - "earplugs" in english.

And here's Johnny with a rather large American softdrink.

Just now he said, "Tell me something. Tell me something about Vancouver."

I told him about eating with you in the Old Spaghetti Factory ...

I haven't heard about that job in Seoul yet.
It would be awesome to teach in Seoul for a year.
I forgot how much fun traveling is.

I didn’t have any really good adventures today, but it was relaxing and I thought about you.
Some rich guy took me on a drive down the Pacific Coast Highway and back along Sunset Blvd in his Ford Mustang.
He went to high school in France so we spoke French together.
I love speaking French.
I want to learn Korean next.

Day Six: From the Club to the Church

2008-03-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

Hi Dad,

Happy Easter.
How’s tax time going?
Did you eat a vegatable once in a while like Mum asked?

Los Angeles is good.
I‘ve just extended my stay here at the hostel to last for the whole nine days.
There’s just too much stuff going on.
I’ll go to San Fransisco another year.

I met a guy at the hostel yesterday and just like that he said let’s go for a drive.
We cruised up the Pacific Coast Highway in his Red Ford Mustang.
After dinner he came up to me and said he’d paid $600 for the right to skip the line and get a table at an exclusive nightclub up the road… for me, him, and two random Swedish girls.
I was just going with the flow
trying to keep my eyebrows low.
The only problem was that once we got to our table the waitress told my sponsor that he had to buy two bottles of booze with the table.
And the cheapest bottle was $400!
He pulled me away from the Swedish girls and explained that he was a little short on cash and asked me if I could chip in $200.
I gave him everything in my wallet: $60.
It was a sweet club with great music.
I danced it up and drank too much trying to get my money’s worth. It ended up being a pretty cool night.

---

You know those televangelists you used to watch on TV on Sunday mornings?
I went and saw one preach live today.
I took the bus about a half hour south to a large cathedral.
The bus was full of colorful and well-dressed Church goers.
Many were praising Jesus already and they offered friendly conversation.
I met a woman who was also making her first visit to this particular cathedral.
I told her my religion as a kid was going for a walk in the forest with my family on Sundays.
And then on Easter you would hide chocolate eggs at the top of the mountain.
The congregation was about 4000 and 99% were black.
The music was very good.
The dramatization of Christ’s resurrection was excellent.
There was about fourty actors and singers and even a live donkey.
It was scary and terrible when Jesus bore the cross to the hill and joyous and powerful as a wire lifted him up to the ceiling for his resurrection.

The preaching was also good.
Not too many excessive hallelujias or amens, and a lot of nice ideas:
“With god, your problem is no problem.”
“It’s all right now.”
It’s easy to make fun of these crazy evangelicals.
They hold their hands in the air and get all emotional.
And the stalls outside the church are even weirder.
They sell everything from popcorn to rapper t-shirts.
But the service was incredible.
We sang together and gave each other blessings and encouragement.
I have to admit: at the end of the sermon, I felt chains of stress drop from my shoulders and tears roll down my cheeks.
I was one of the dudes with his hands in the air.
And then to finish it off the whole show, there was a surprise performance by Stevie Wonder!
Wow.
Everybody at the hostel is really jealous of me.

Day Seven Downtown LA

2008-03-30T19:55:00.000-07:00

Hey Brent,

I walked through Downtown Los Angeles yesterday listening to your album.
I’m sorry I haven’t listened to it before, cuz it’s really great.
I especially like the scratchy stuff.
It’s like an ear massage.
I can’t wait to hear your new stuff.

I took a trip to the Walt Disney Concert Hall that Frank Gehry designed.
It was all locked up but some guy saw me trying a door and he invited me to join a tour.
The guy designed the incredible concert organ in consultation with Gehry.
It's got about ten thousand pipes.

Today I’m feeling lazy.
I might just read in bed for a while.

How's pong going?

Day Eight: Hanging Out With Locals

2008-03-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

Hi Claire,

How’s Victoria?
Today in LA I slept in.
I’m getting a bit tired trying to make the most of my time here.
Honestly, isn’t this supposed to be a vacation?
Can’t I just read spy novels all day?

Anyway, around noon, my Swedish and American musician friends dragged me down Sunset Blvd to Guitar World.
They’re here for 18 months so it’s kindof cool hanging out with them because they’re like locals in a way.
In the grocery store on the way back I walked past “Steve” from Beverly Hills 90210.
We waited outside and to ask him for his photo.
When he came out and realized we were looking for him he practically broke into a run to his car.
But I ran right after him and told him how much I admired his work and he was a real nice guy.

Later we went for a walk up Runyon Canyon.
It’s a fifteen minute walk from the hostel and it’s like paradise.
There’s parrots and hummingbirds and amazing views of Beverly Hills and LA.

A B-list actress asked my Swedish friend Peter to take a photo of her and her kid.
Afterwards, she made polite conversation with us:
“Are you from France?”
“No I’m from Sweden.”
“And what’s your name?”
“I’m Alex, from Vancouver.”
“And where in France are you from?”
“I’m from Sweden.”
“Oh. It’s beautiful there.”
“Have you been?”
“No. But I heard it’s beautiful there.”

We thought it was a hilarious conversation, we got our photo with her.
I blocked out her face because I don’t want to be mean.

On the way back a couple of beautiful girls asked me if I wanted a stress test.
They were both brought up Scientologists and Laura was an actor and the other one was a singer.
They said that Scientology would help me detect insincere people.
Megan said, “You’ve got to buy it!” and tapped me on the leg.
I asked her if she had was single but she said no.
I said you shouldn’t touch my leg if you’ve got a boyfriend.
The other girl laughed.
The two girls were so beautiful that I bought the Scientology bible: "Dienetics" by L. Ron Hubbard.

People at the hostel either say I’m crazy or I’m going to turn into a robot.
I’ve only read a few pages so far, but it’s really lame.

Day Nine: My Big Break

2008-03-30T19:03:00.000-07:00

I’d received free tickets to see an advance screening of Forgetting Sarah Marshal.
I had planned to see it with Johnny Elfwing, but he noticed me giving too much attention to this pretty little Australian and he graciously told me to take her.
But walking down Hollywood Blvd towards the theatre we were given free tickets to see Jimmy Kimmel Live!
It wasn’t hard to convince my date to change plans.

The show featured John Cussack, Sofia Vergara, and the current American It-band (who I‘d never heard of): “The Jonas Brothers.”
Teenaged girls had been lined up in the street all through the night to see the young heart throbs.
I suspect my date and I got front row seats because I was one of the few young males in the audience.
However, Jimmy’s Dad showed up before the show started and took my seat.
I found myself sitting in the second row next to a couple of twenty year-old valley girls.
One of them claimed to be the biggest Jonas Brothers fan in the world.
I helped get her on stage before the show to receive some promos and lead the audience sing a Jonas Brothers song.

The big bald guy who warmed up the audience for Jimmy was hilarious.
He pretended to let the crowd introduce the Brothers about ten times and each time the screams were louder.
Having 400 girls screaming over your shoulder is annoying, but I have to admit it’s also exciting.
I started doing this seated bicycle cheer where you pedal your fists feet at the same time.
I call it the Double Arsenio.
I guess Jimmy liked it, cuz I got some air time.
Check out this video about a minute and ten seconds in.